A Scotsman was dying. On his deathbed, he looked up and said: "Is
my wife here?"
His wife replies: "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you."
The Scot goes: "Are my children here?"
"Yes, daddy, we are all here?" say the children.
The Scot: "Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say: "Yes, we are all here..."
The Scot gets up and says: "Then why the heck is the light on in the
kitchen?"
The man walked over to the perfume counter and told
the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for
his wife's birthday.
"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.
"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting
a cruise."
It was the last day of the school year, and Miss Figpot was talking to
her fourth grade class. She asked "What will you be doing this
summer?"
"Me and my family will go to the beach a lot," Suzie answered.
"That sounds like fun," said Miss Figpot.
"How about you, Emma? What will you do this summer?"
"My family just bought new bikes we will ride together." Emma replied
enthusiastically.
"That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her
students until she got to Little Johnny in the back of the room.
"What will you do this summer, Johnny?"
"Nothing," Little Johnny responded timidly.
"Nothing? Aren't you going to do anything with your family?" she
asked, trying to get Little Johnny to use his imagination.
"Nothing." He replied
"Will you go to the beach?"
"No."
"Will you ride bikes?"
"No, never!" Little Johnny burst out. "We can never ride bikes
together!"
"Why not?" said the shocked Miss Figpot.
"I don't know," explained Little Johnny, "But dad always says,
when mom and sis start 'cycling together', it's time to get the hell out of
town."
A frustrated father vented, "When I was a youngster, I was
disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room, he
has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player."
"So what do you do?" asked his friend.
"I send him to MY room!" exclaimed the father.
A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a
magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman... then, poof! It
was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."
Salesman knocks on a suburban door and it is opened by a 9 year old boy,
puffing on a long black cigar.
Salesman: "Is your mother home?"
Boy (After taking a leisurely puff and flicking the ashes on the floor):
"What do you think?"
